Can I dare to be real with you? I love God and Jesus with all that I am. I seek nothing more than to be found well-pleasing in the sight of God. At the same time I struggle seriously with issues of self-worth, giving and receiving love, and many more things. I've spent a lot of my life trying to be invisible and often times I feel like I got no more than I deserved. The thing is that I love God but often I struggle to take my place as His daughter made clean and pure washed in the blood of Jesus.
Sometimes we don't know how to walk out that which God requires. It seems this year has been one of those seasons where I am ever more aware that I don't know how to do this. I don't let people in. I found a new to me song the other day and the lyrics have left their mark on my heart. These first few lines describe me well. "You take your place in the shadows, Play your part, hide your heart, so that nobody knows, All the secrets that you hold, Memories and broken dreams from a story left untold..."
In the words of Mandisa's new song, "Not scared to say it, I used to be the one, Preaching it to you, That you could overcome, I still believe it, But it ain't easy, 'Cause that world I painted, Where things just all work out, It started changing, And I started having doubts, And it got me so down..."
I hate my emotions. I shouldn't because they are God-given. But I do. I tend to be overly sensitive. I feel differently and about different things than most people. So I try to control them. Stuff them down. Cover them up. Refuse to reveal them. Often I would prefer being numb to feeling pain or what I deem as negative emotions of any kind. I know that emotions are God-given and He speaks through them. They are meant to be a beautiful part of being human. They are important to God and He catches every tear.
I found it to be an odd place and yet as thinking on it I guess is a normal place for all believers. Every day we live in the tension of being in this world and not of the world. The tension of living surrounded by sin and yet set apart for God's purposes and plans. We have to learn to live in the tension and still be glorifying to God even through the struggles. It's a hard thing to do and also a beautiful thing to watch someone do it well.
We often think God Love Us is part of the basic elements of our faith. What happens though when you are a Christian and you still don't believe and rest in that love? Some promises and encouragement for you if you struggle to feel loved.