I’m going to be honest I have been really struggling to write in this space lately. The reason is that I have been facing some storms in my life and in some ways I let that make me feel inadequate to speak to you. My reasoning was that with my life being a huge mess and I’m not exactly sure how to navigate it all then who I am to speak to you. In the words of Mandisa’s new song, “Not scared to say it, I used to be the one, Preaching it to you, That you could overcome, I still believe it, But it ain’t easy, ‘Cause that world I painted, Where things just all work out, It started changing, And I started having doubts, And it got me so down…”
When God started making more changes in my life I began to have a lot of questions and doubts. I wasn’t sure that it was ok. I felt things shifting all around me and I was struggling to just find my feet. I fully believed that God was capable and I knew that I was hearing God but it just didn’t make sense to me. While I was trying to figure out how to move forward with God and allow this process I lost my confidence in being able to encourage others while I was in the storm so to speak. Silly me, I thought I would let the storm pass and then come back. Only this storm hasn’t passed. And as if it wasn’t enough God decided that now is the time to go back and deal with past hurts. Things that I didn’t know where there.
So I’m an emotional mess. At times I want to write but don’t know exactly what to share. At other times my ability to write is gone beyond sending emails with all my questions and frustrations to trusted friends. I want to begin to share the journey. And I’m not sure where to start or whether I should. So I am praying and asking God for wisdom with what to do with this blog.
I am learning again that writing can be a healing process as I wrestle with God and with myself. At the same time some of that wouldn’t benefit you, my faithful readers. So I’m trying to decide how to move forward into the authentic voice that God is giving me and yet go deeper. Not just painting a pretty picture of a perfect life and instead begin to share the real story which is often messy, hard, and leaves me incredibly vulnerable. I don’t even do this well face to face so I’m not exactly sure how to bring this to my writing.
If I continue to write in this space things are going to look really different going forward. For I have changed and continue to change. It may be less centered on scripture and more centered on life and how I live out my life of faith. On the struggles, the joys, the sorrows, the victories and how God works it all together for good. It will be more authentic and a bit transparent at times. For like all of you I fight the war between my flesh and my faith and it’s not always pretty.