I hate my emotions.
I shouldn’t because they are God-given. But I do.
I tend to be overly sensitive. I feel differently and about different things than most people. I’m an oddball…even in my own family. So I try to control them. Stuff them down. Cover them up. Refuse to reveal them. The problem with emotions is that eventually they are coming out ready or not.
I know better than to stuff them. I’ve done my battles with depression and by God’s grace I’ve come out the other side. The truth is I hate what I consider appears weak and vulnerable. I would never talk to a friend who was emotional the way I talk to myself. But I have no tolerance for it in myself. I would likely tell a friend how it sets them apart and makes them special. I beat myself up.
Perhaps it comes from years of being told I’m too sensitive, or from being teased for crying over books and movies. Maybe it is self-preservation because often those I wanted to see my heart never have.
This year I’ve not written as much as I planned because I’ve been sidelined by emotions that have left me tossed upon the waters. Change is always hard for me. This change though is just harder. There have been levels of grief and in spite of trying to control it all, I have had to just sit in the Lord’s presence. Admitting that I don’t know how to do this. I’ve found myself unable to concentrate some days, unable to focus. While other days are much easier and more productive. I’m not a fan of being sidelined by my feelings. In fact, often I would prefer being numb to feeling pain or what I deem as negative emotions of any kind.
I know that emotions are God-given and He speaks through them. They are meant to be a beautiful part of being human. They are important to God and He catches every tear. Somehow though this world has made me feel like there is much more value placed on being victorious or an overcomer. It seems most people want to see you move quickly through the negative stuff. It’s rare that if your pain lasts more than a short time that people want to hear about it. I learned that when I lived in the pit.
But God chose to create women and in so doing He gave us His heart of compassion for the world. He created us to feel another’s pain and to want to do something about it. He designed women to care deeply, to nurture, love, and bring forth the best in others. If we deny our feelings…trying to separate our heart from things we are denying the very nature that God gave us to influence the world.
Yes, at times I hate my emotions and my inability to control them. At the same time, I love how my feelings spark bright ideas and cause me to desire to see the world differently. My emotions represent the heart God has given me and it is tender and tears fall often. Perhaps instead of seeing that as a bad thing though I could begin to see it as God breaking my heart for the things that break His. Tears don’t really make us weak, they make us more aware of the pain of others and the heartbeat of God.