photo credit: Risco de El Time via photopin (license)
I sat there staring at the blank screen I knew what I had to do. I prayed, taking a deep breath that didn’t relieve the sense of an elephant sitting on my chest. My fingers trembled over the keyboard as I tried to find the words to share my story. My heart felt like it was trying to win the Indy 500. My thoughts scrambled through my mind, but it was like I was reaching through dense fog. I was incapable of forming a sentence much less writing the story that God wanted me to share. Sure, I had lived it and survived. But I couldn’t be vulnerable enough to share it with those who read my writing every week. I could write anything else just not this.
Every good and perfect gift comes from above. I knew that, and in other seasons I knew that it was my job to be a good steward of the gifts I had been given. Satan is a liar and the father of it, there is no truth in him. Even though I know these things to be true, I still allow the whispers of deceit to cause me to question what I know to be true.
Somehow I believed that since God wanted me to write it, that it was going to be easy. When it became clear that was not true and the fear began to strangle me, I decided it was easier not to write. God was already beginning to prune away at distractions in my life. I was feeling the need to drop social media and it seemed perfectly reasonable to give up blogging as well. I no longer had anything to say.
In the months I was not blogging God began to show me that it was time to come out of hiding. At first, I thought this only applied to how I related to others in the community. I have a tendency even now to find a corner and hide out in social situations. So when my friend shared with me how God didn’t create me to hide I thought that was what God was saying. As I began to pray about it God would lead me to scriptures that revealed that I was created to stand out and not hide. So I started trying to interact more and let my personality shine through.
In January I was asked to open our Wednesday night ladies class with prayer and a devotion. While it was outside of my comfort zone I agreed, thinking that anyone can read a devotion. My biggest concern was getting up in front of the room full of ladies. Yet God has a sense of humor. As I prayed and sought God about what to share He gave me something to write instead. Before I realized it, I was writing and God was using it.
Later on, in a bible study, God began to deal with me again. I realized that again God was calling me out of hiding and to die to my need for approval. God spoke to me about the fact that I was still playing small and not stepping into the fullness of the plans He had for me. This was my undoing. I realized that if I continued on the path I was on that I would not be who God created me to be. From a place of brokenness, I prayed. Telling God, I don’t know what you are doing and it’s not comfortable, but I am done getting in the way. I am going to follow you and use my gifts as you lead. Shortly after that, God brought back my desire to write. Then God began to birth the vision for this blog among other projects.
When have you allowed fear to stop you?